COMPUTERS AND SPRING CLEANING Well, Spring is finally here after another long, boring winter and it is time to think about Spring Cleaning. Many of us use our computers extensively during the winter to entertain ourselves and, like other machines, our computer needs to be cleaned and maintained every once in a while to ensure a long life. So, lets add our computers to our cleaning lists. There are two basic ways of cleaning the computer: Physically and Logicaly. The physical cleaning involves your monitor, disk drives, printer, keyboard, and the inside of the computer. Kits can be bought to clean monitors, drives, and printers, most of which come with instructions. Your keyboard can be cleaned with a damp (not wet) cloth. Also, if your keys can be removed from the keyboard (do not try this unless you are sure they can be), you can wash each one individually. If you have the expertise you can also vacuum the inside of the keyboard to remove crumbs, etc. , which may hinder operation. The inside of your computer also needs to be cleaned. A surprisingly large amount of dust can build up around vent holes and around the fan. This step is best left to those who know what they are doing. Once we have our computer nice and shiny, we have to work on the logical cleaning. Here I am referring to the hard drive. How long has it been since you backed-up the data on your hard-drive ?? Just think, if your hard-drive failed right now, how much important information would be lost !! Once our hard-drive is backed-up, we have one more step left before we can give our computer a clean bill of health. Optimization of the hard-drive takes all of the fragmented files and places them together. This process speeds up your hard-drive so much so that you may be surprised by the result !! Now that you have a clean computer, you can sit back and relax for another month before having to do it all again. The main advantages of a clean computer is that it will last longer and that it has better potential for resale. David Hart THE SPOONER INCIDENT -a confidential report By Francis Amato, cosop of Writers & Stories Conferences On The Sounding Board (516-661-2409) Authors Note: Excerpted from a speech given by Wu Fat, Undersecretary of Argonomics in the last years of the Communist Ideal (circa 19,004 AD- 8 BA) On 28-4 of this cycle, a most disturbing incident occurred. Spooners attacked Humans on Private Three. Suddenly, purposefully and violently. Spooners are normally classified as "Regrettable Vegetables." They're smart enough to know we eat them and mobile enough to run away. On Private Three, they didn't run. They fought and, worse of all, won. Seventeen harvesters were punctured to death. The planet was immediately cordoned off and security forces started to accompany harvesters. There have been no further incidents. Still, this is most troubling. Something must be done & done now. Supporters of Idi Amen DaDa are busy stirring up mischief over this. They demand the immediate recognition of Vegetable Sentient. You know what that means. Spooners would be given all the rights of Hus. This is something that must not happen. We're still feeling the effects of the Animal Intelligence Act passed 300 years ago. It's bad enough having to call an animal, "Mister." It'll be even worse with a vegetable. Appeals to the Spooners patriotism have failed. They take no pride in being a valuable commodity of the Communist Ideal. Small scale pruning operations are underway to maintain order. Obviously, however, this is only a temporary solution. Brutal acts on our part would only spread discontentment, not stop it. An answer must be found which would use as little violence as possible. We already have a propaganda problem. Some suggest using standard sterilization procedures. This isn't a viable option. Spooners are extremely important to our way of life. They feed trillions across the universe. We need an answer that is gentle, but complete. Our best bet seems to be Tymax, a gene-altering chemical. It's similar to the ones we use to Devo civilizations. It should make the Spooners placid and allow harvesting to proceed. The only problem is that Tymax taints the Spooners' pulp. Ruins the taste. It also builds up in the Hu body, causing paralysis and death. We can live with the deaths, but we can't live with bad tasting pulp. If the species living on Spooners become dissatisfied they may decide to eat something else. The Communist Ideal can't afford a major financial loss. It must not and will not happen. AUTHORS NOTE: Soon after giving this speech, Wu Fat was eaten by Idi Amenites. The Communist Ideal modified Tymax and soaked Private Three with it. Unfortunately, the Communist Ideals' ChemoBiologists were drug-crazed incompetents (a result of their development of Hallucinogenic Viruses). Instead of Devoing the Spooners, Tymax evolved them. With the not-so-secret aid of the Pro-Amen Fragem Confederation, Spooners overthrew their oppressors. The Communist Ideal collapsed soon there after. PUBLISHERS NOTE: The Cinninon Empire under the benevolent leadership of Idi Amen DaDa the 27th, supports the independence of all sentient lifeforms. To help the Spooners achieve their own ideas of perfection, the Cinninon Empire subsidizes them by buying their pulp. SPECIAL REDUCING DIET I was given this special diet from a friend and I thought it would be nice to share it with you.... MONDAY: Breakfast - Weak Tea Lunch - 1 bouillon cube in 1/2 diluted water Dinner - 1 pigeon thigh & 2 oz. prune juice TUESDAY: Breakfast - Scraped crumbs from burnt toast Lunch - 1 donut hole (without sugar) Dinner - 2 jellyfish skins & 1 glass dehydrated water WEDNESDAY: Breakfast - boiled out stains from table cover Lunch - 1/2 doz. poppy seeds Dinner - Bees knees & mosquito knuckles sauteed with vinegar THURSDAY: Breakfast - Shredded eggshell skins Lunch - Bellybutton from a naval orange Dinner - 3 eyes from an Irish potato (diced) FRIDAY: Breakfast - 2 lobster antennae Lunch - 1 guppy fin Dinner - jellyfish vertebrae SATURDAY: Breakfast - 4 chopped banana seeds Lunch - Broiled butterfly liver Dinner - Fillet of soft shell crab slaw SUNDAY: Breakfast - Pickled hummingbird tongue Lunch - Prime Ribs of tadpole & aroma of empty custard pie plate. NOTE** All meals must be eaten under a microscope to avoid extra portion! Eat up and enjoy! - Jean Ludwig